Just ... Another.... Step: ..... One...... At ....... A........ Time......

Shade Tempest

2007-07-26T03:20:00.000-07:00

Don't worry about it. It seems that I've got a handful of readers for now. I'll have to be wary about how this goes. I don't like to be mysterious, but I can't talk about my struggles and I can't talk about why I can't talk about it.
It seems like the path I'm on right now is one that I've chosen, no matter how little I like it. The only reason I'm stuck here, of course, is because I'm perpetuating my current state. I have no one to blame but myself. It means nothing to say this, but I never blamed anyone but myself.
But this is a powerful storm nonetheless. I know I won't come out of it the same person. Indeed, I've already changed so much since the beginning. I'm only a shade of what I once was, and I'm too stubborn to crawl from the darkness and recall that world of light that was once so familiar. Still, I'll weather this storm and come out 'stronger', or die trying.
I seem to spend a lot of words on that thread. I guess I no longer fear death, knowing that at least I'll be able to leave all this nonsense behind for once. Actually, let's not go there. Strike that last part. In fact, strike this whole thing, it matters not.
Just know that I will not give in. My blood runs with sorrow, and my heart is made of the ruined shards of a dying star, but I will not collapse. Though I've abandoned all hope, and the world freezes me with it's burning light, I will not retreat. Not yet.
Not yet...

The Very Idea!

2007-04-19T22:32:00.000-07:00

I was dismayed to find that I wasn't quite so invisible as I thought. I let my emotions become too evident, and my mask began to slip. I have been... careless. I'll admit that, just a little, I wanted to be found, but that was foolish. I thought it would make me happy. But my friends from school have no idea and show no signs of care. No need to worry them. Within a few weeks I will graduate high school and never see many of them again. This has a wide range of pros and cons.
...I still have that wish, though. I dare not speak it, for I know how truly absurd it is. The very idea! Ha! No, no wishes for me. All I ever learned from love was how to shoot someone who outdrew you.
I wonder what you'll say when you see this. Will you discard it as more moaning? Will you rush to me and talk of your "concern"? No. You won't do any of that, because you'll never see this. I'm far too stubborn for that.
Whatever.

...Must Come Down

2007-02-17T13:23:00.000-08:00

That's what happens to things that are up: they must come down. And I have been "up" for awhile.
Do you know the feeling? That you're falling? You're dropping so fast that the wind rushing past you stings your eyes and freezes you. But you've been falling so long that you think you'll never hit the bottom, and you forget that you were ever on top; all you've ever known is the sensation of having lost something. But is it really nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them? To end them... to end them.... a truly terrifying thought. Why do I keep coming back to such things? Why? But that's alright. As long as my mask hasn't slipped, I'll have enough time to work through this, or at least escape some of the circumstances.

A Masterful Disguise

2007-01-16T14:22:00.000-08:00

So a year goes by and I haven't moved an inch. Sure, circumstances are different, but the problem is still the same. Of course, my disguise is working well enough. I can hide most of these things and seal them safely inside.
Every time I write one these things, I feel bad, like I'm begging for sympathy. Everyone has problems, but no one seems to take things so seriously. I've known this for quite some time, but this knowledge has done nothing for my situation. Instead, this fact has made me feel truly worse, because I feel terrible over what everyone else seems to be fine with, and I can't do anything about it. I don't know. I just can't tell. I may become unreasonable soon. I have been unreasonable.

Justified

2006-11-20T20:18:00.000-08:00

Well, that was a crazy turn of events. I think now that my last post is somewhat justified. I sometimes think I'm being haunted by the Spirit of Irony. I expect one thing to happen. Then the opposite happens. Then, when I become used to this turn of events, the original thing I expected happens.
I suppose that this would have been easier if I hadn't seen it coming. If I hadn't been dreading that moment for days, if I hadn't lain awake at night with doubt gnawing at the edges of my sanity.
It's times like these when I really justify an emotional shut down. And why not? It's not as though I can expect anything for the present... perhaps never. But you know what I mean. Stray cats don't get domesticated, don't have homes. I only have the moon at night and the memories of better times. These memories won't let me rest.
But Hmmm... this sounds familiar... Oh, yes. I've been horrible and melodramatic like this before. I wonder if the sound I hear is really me whining or just history repeating...

Fury Rising

2006-09-14T23:16:00.000-07:00

This post isn't about my self pity or my sorrow. No, this one is about my fury, frustration and anger. But this fury isn't directed at anyone you know. This fury is all for someone else: for me.
I have noticed a pattern in my life. A vicious cycle that leaves me more battered with every time I run through it. The thing that frustrates me most, is that I can never do anything to stop myself from running down this beaten path. Every time, I think "Maybe this time it will be different," or "Perhaps this time I have a chance." Every time, that spark of Hope catches on something in my desires, and I can't help but burst into a feverish flame. Except, when everything plays out to the end, I'm left with bitter nothingness.
Not even ashes.
When people run in circles it's a very, very mad world.

Laying the Groundwork

2006-09-02T22:32:00.000-07:00

I've suspected this for quite some time now. Someone once told me that there is no happiness without suffering before it. If you are happy now, you probably had to suffer to get there, or more likely, someone else suffered before you. My current trials are part of a preparation that will allow me to fully apreciate what comes ahead. Or not. Who can say? However, this knowledge gives me no solace, as I don't know when this trial ends. C'est la vie. C'est la guerre. C'est la amor.

A Tentative Return

2006-08-26T23:19:00.000-07:00

So I guess I'll post here again. Of course, there seems little point, as anyone who woud read it now believes that I will never come here again. Though that could be a blessing in disguise, as I could type my true thoughts without fear of being discovered. But let's not get ahead of ourselves, non? Still, I feel this new bout of blog-thusiasm will last only so long. How long until my words are drowned out by despair and melodrama once again? I give it maybe a month, weather permitting.
Au Revoir
Most respectfully yours, Daniel Renquist

But Suddenly, A Turn For The Worse!

2006-02-10T19:22:00.000-08:00

I'll tell you flat out, I am not a new person to the bottom. I am destitute and tired. Which seems a little ironic, seeing as how I have so much reason to be happy. I have a close circle of friends and family who care and a promising career ahead of me. I guess I kind of sympathize with Taylor Rodriguez. However, Taylor was murdered by his wife. I can't relate to that. I stole a gnome. Take it away FIF. Why is Love so painful? Why do we always lose? I've been taking paths made for the lost, the bitter and recluse.

The Greatest Story Never Told

2006-01-29T15:18:00.000-08:00

So yesterday when I got out of court, I was feeling good. We totally prosecuted Jes Markson for first degree murder. So on my way out, the defense side followed us with a video camera. I wasn't too worried about this, because I had heard of teams recording the trials for notetaking purposes. However, they came up to us and made conversation. It went as follows.

(scene: outside the courtroom. There are several people around including Pascal, Kurtis, Reed, Camera Girl, Defense Attorneys and Myself.)

Camera Girl: Hi. We're doing a Mock Trial video. We're going to iclude bits from all of our scrimmages and competitions.

Reed: That's pretty cool.

Defense Attorney 1: Yeah, but it's a dance video.

Camera Girl: So if you guys could help us out...

Kurtis: I can't dance.

Reed: Everyone's waiting for us...

Chris: Well, alright, but I'm not very good...

Defense Attorney 2: (sotto) He's the cool one.

Chris puts his briefcase down and does a break dance. As is his custom, it isn't very good.

Defense Attorneys 1-3: How awesome!

Chris finishes and grabs his briefcase. He exits the buliding. Scene

(scene: outside the courthouse. The Templeton Mock Trial teams are waiting in a group. Attorneys and Witnesses are exiting the building. Chris hurries towards the group. He is followed by the Company from last scene.)

Reed: Wait, what was that?

Kurtis: You had a bad ending. It left a bad taste in the mouth.

Chris: Let's go. Come on, we're leaving.

Defense Attorney 9: (in background)Will you marry me?

Chris pretends not to hear. He keeps walking.

Pascal: Chris Kidd! She asked you a question, Chris Kidd!!

Defense Attorney9: Will you marry me?

Chris crosses to her. He puts a hand on her shoulder.

Chris: I'm sorry. you know that I can't. It's not you... It's me.

Pause. Chris then turns around and fades into the crowds. Fade out on Defense Attorney 9 crying. Scene.

And I never looked back. That was the highlite of my day. But it was kind of embarassing at the time.

Hmm. I See.

2006-01-08T19:03:00.000-08:00

It seems that I haven't been editing my posts carefully enough. I don't want to worry you kids. Don't worry. This is just another step, and I think I might be heading somewhere better than where I've been. I suppose I owe a little to Hope, that "greatest of all treasures." Though I still retain a smidgeon of pessimissim, I think, in time I will defeat this.

~Au revoir

2005-12-27T13:50:00.000-08:00

"He tells everyone a story, cause he thinks that his life is boring, and he fights so you won't ignore him, cause that's his biggest fear. And he cries but you'll rarely see him do it, and he loves but he's scared to use it, so he hides behind the music, cause he likes it that way. He knows that he's so much more than worthless, and he needs to find the surface, and he's starting to get nervous."

I Really Don't Know

2005-12-23T20:13:00.000-08:00

I had three different things that I started to write in this post, but none of them would do. They were all true statements, but this isn't the time. I really don't know why I told you that.

Let me just take this time to tell you guys that I hate the movie Thirteen Going on Thirty. Oh well. I hope I am never involved with a movie that disgusts me so much. And now, due to the laws of irony, either my first movie will fill my soul with horror, or I will never get an acting job...ever.

Just another chapter in the great blog ocean, soon to be lost in the tossing waves of the internet.

...Don't get pulled out to sea.

I Must Say...

2005-12-16T22:01:00.000-08:00

I really am a little worried. I am appearing in court on Monday, and I am definately not ready for it. I don't know how it will turn out. But I guess that's how the story goes...

I'm Just Too Good...

2005-12-04T15:46:00.000-08:00

...At blocking you out. I don't want you guys to know anything about me, but Dammit all, I really do want to be found. Yes. But at the same time, I will do everything I can to avoid it. I really hate these contradictions. And it makes me really tired.

But that's beside the point. I am so incredibly tired right now. I think that if I don't get rest soon, I'm going to be all tops.

I also don't want the person who infiltrated my blog to go without proper reward, however, so rest assured, I will find you.

At least, that's how it happens.

MUAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-11-25T19:49:00.000-08:00

hehe, I'm changing your password!!!!!!! and i'm on your blog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hehe..........HAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~me~

I Don't Want To Start This Again...

2005-11-24T18:55:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been staring off into the distance, when you get that wistful nostalgic feeling, the one that wonders how things could have been?
...Because I sure haven't!
No, I won't lie to you. This happens to me all the time.
It isn't that I'm too worried about how things could have been, rather than how things are, but I can't get this out of my head.

They say you can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future, so it seems safer to me to not worry too far in any direction.

You know this isn't what I was going to write this time. Let's not be rash.

Happy Thanksgiving you guys.

With An Increasing Pace...

2005-11-20T15:12:00.000-08:00

Things certainly are happening rapidly now. With moving, school, journalism, Drama, Mock Trial, TAG, and trying to have a social life, I'm somewhat at a crossroads. Or, at least I think so. I'm tired, I really am. But with the deep exhaustion, I also find a small satisfaction. Well, that's only true of the last four things.

Whatever. These things happen. All we can do is weather them the best we can.

Shall We?

2005-11-04T22:22:00.000-08:00

Shall we indeed! This post is usually a little longer than my first one, so we have some room to breath here. I wonder if I should let the others know about this blog. I don't think I should keep it so secret, because that leads to the pain of isolation. I'll admit that I disillusioned myself. I said, "I won't tell them, I'll wait for them to find it." Which is ridiculous. This has been the lie that I've been telling myself for quite awhile. I have gotten so used to hiding and covering my tracks that I lose track of myself very easily, and I often don't know where I am. Do you like the slight rhetoric and metaphor? I think I might be doing this alot, so heads up. I hope I can hang onto this sunny and cheerful disposition for little while at least. Of course, that's for you to decide.

You know... I think I shall.

Here We Are Again!

2005-10-27T19:47:00.000-07:00

Hello! This does seem familiar, as this is the fourth link in this particular string of failed blogs. Most Excellent. I would type more, but traditionally, I don't type much here. Thank you for coming, and au revoir!