Shade Tempest

Don't worry about it. It seems that I've got a handful of readers for now. I'll have to be wary about how this goes. I don't like to be mysterious, but I can't talk about my struggles and I can't talk about why I can't talk about it.
It seems like the path I'm on right now is one that I've chosen, no matter how little I like it. The only reason I'm stuck here, of course, is because I'm perpetuating my current state. I have no one to blame but myself. It means nothing to say this, but I never blamed anyone but myself.
But this is a powerful storm nonetheless. I know I won't come out of it the same person. Indeed, I've already changed so much since the beginning. I'm only a shade of what I once was, and I'm too stubborn to crawl from the darkness and recall that world of light that was once so familiar. Still, I'll weather this storm and come out 'stronger', or die trying.
I seem to spend a lot of words on that thread. I guess I no longer fear death, knowing that at least I'll be able to leave all this nonsense behind for once. Actually, let's not go there. Strike that last part. In fact, strike this whole thing, it matters not.
Just know that I will not give in. My blood runs with sorrow, and my heart is made of the ruined shards of a dying star, but I will not collapse. Though I've abandoned all hope, and the world freezes me with it's burning light, I will not retreat. Not yet.
Not yet...

The Very Idea!

I was dismayed to find that I wasn't quite so invisible as I thought. I let my emotions become too evident, and my mask began to slip. I have been... careless. I'll admit that, just a little, I wanted to be found, but that was foolish. I thought it would make me happy. But my friends from school have no idea and show no signs of care. No need to worry them. Within a few weeks I will graduate high school and never see many of them again. This has a wide range of pros and cons.
...I still have that wish, though. I dare not speak it, for I know how truly absurd it is. The very idea! Ha! No, no wishes for me. All I ever learned from love was how to shoot someone who outdrew you.
I wonder what you'll say when you see this. Will you discard it as more moaning? Will you rush to me and talk of your "concern"? No. You won't do any of that, because you'll never see this. I'm far too stubborn for that.
Whatever.

...Must Come Down

That's what happens to things that are up: they must come down. And I have been "up" for awhile.
Do you know the feeling? That you're falling? You're dropping so fast that the wind rushing past you stings your eyes and freezes you. But you've been falling so long that you think you'll never hit the bottom, and you forget that you were ever on top; all you've ever known is the sensation of having lost something. But is it really nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them? To end them... to end them.... a truly terrifying thought. Why do I keep coming back to such things? Why? But that's alright. As long as my mask hasn't slipped, I'll have enough time to work through this, or at least escape some of the circumstances.

A Masterful Disguise

So a year goes by and I haven't moved an inch. Sure, circumstances are different, but the problem is still the same. Of course, my disguise is working well enough. I can hide most of these things and seal them safely inside.
Every time I write one these things, I feel bad, like I'm begging for sympathy. Everyone has problems, but no one seems to take things so seriously. I've known this for quite some time, but this knowledge has done nothing for my situation. Instead, this fact has made me feel truly worse, because I feel terrible over what everyone else seems to be fine with, and I can't do anything about it. I don't know. I just can't tell. I may become unreasonable soon. I have been unreasonable.