Shade Tempest

Don't worry about it. It seems that I've got a handful of readers for now. I'll have to be wary about how this goes. I don't like to be mysterious, but I can't talk about my struggles and I can't talk about why I can't talk about it.
It seems like the path I'm on right now is one that I've chosen, no matter how little I like it. The only reason I'm stuck here, of course, is because I'm perpetuating my current state. I have no one to blame but myself. It means nothing to say this, but I never blamed anyone but myself.
But this is a powerful storm nonetheless. I know I won't come out of it the same person. Indeed, I've already changed so much since the beginning. I'm only a shade of what I once was, and I'm too stubborn to crawl from the darkness and recall that world of light that was once so familiar. Still, I'll weather this storm and come out 'stronger', or die trying.
I seem to spend a lot of words on that thread. I guess I no longer fear death, knowing that at least I'll be able to leave all this nonsense behind for once. Actually, let's not go there. Strike that last part. In fact, strike this whole thing, it matters not.
Just know that I will not give in. My blood runs with sorrow, and my heart is made of the ruined shards of a dying star, but I will not collapse. Though I've abandoned all hope, and the world freezes me with it's burning light, I will not retreat. Not yet.
Not yet...

The Very Idea!

I was dismayed to find that I wasn't quite so invisible as I thought. I let my emotions become too evident, and my mask began to slip. I have been... careless. I'll admit that, just a little, I wanted to be found, but that was foolish. I thought it would make me happy. But my friends from school have no idea and show no signs of care. No need to worry them. Within a few weeks I will graduate high school and never see many of them again. This has a wide range of pros and cons.
...I still have that wish, though. I dare not speak it, for I know how truly absurd it is. The very idea! Ha! No, no wishes for me. All I ever learned from love was how to shoot someone who outdrew you.
I wonder what you'll say when you see this. Will you discard it as more moaning? Will you rush to me and talk of your "concern"? No. You won't do any of that, because you'll never see this. I'm far too stubborn for that.
Whatever.

...Must Come Down

That's what happens to things that are up: they must come down. And I have been "up" for awhile.
Do you know the feeling? That you're falling? You're dropping so fast that the wind rushing past you stings your eyes and freezes you. But you've been falling so long that you think you'll never hit the bottom, and you forget that you were ever on top; all you've ever known is the sensation of having lost something. But is it really nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them? To end them... to end them.... a truly terrifying thought. Why do I keep coming back to such things? Why? But that's alright. As long as my mask hasn't slipped, I'll have enough time to work through this, or at least escape some of the circumstances.

A Masterful Disguise

So a year goes by and I haven't moved an inch. Sure, circumstances are different, but the problem is still the same. Of course, my disguise is working well enough. I can hide most of these things and seal them safely inside.
Every time I write one these things, I feel bad, like I'm begging for sympathy. Everyone has problems, but no one seems to take things so seriously. I've known this for quite some time, but this knowledge has done nothing for my situation. Instead, this fact has made me feel truly worse, because I feel terrible over what everyone else seems to be fine with, and I can't do anything about it. I don't know. I just can't tell. I may become unreasonable soon. I have been unreasonable.

Justified

Well, that was a crazy turn of events. I think now that my last post is somewhat justified. I sometimes think I'm being haunted by the Spirit of Irony. I expect one thing to happen. Then the opposite happens. Then, when I become used to this turn of events, the original thing I expected happens.
I suppose that this would have been easier if I hadn't seen it coming. If I hadn't been dreading that moment for days, if I hadn't lain awake at night with doubt gnawing at the edges of my sanity.
It's times like these when I really justify an emotional shut down. And why not? It's not as though I can expect anything for the present... perhaps never. But you know what I mean. Stray cats don't get domesticated, don't have homes. I only have the moon at night and the memories of better times. These memories won't let me rest.
But Hmmm... this sounds familiar... Oh, yes. I've been horrible and melodramatic like this before. I wonder if the sound I hear is really me whining or just history repeating...

Fury Rising

This post isn't about my self pity or my sorrow. No, this one is about my fury, frustration and anger. But this fury isn't directed at anyone you know. This fury is all for someone else: for me.
I have noticed a pattern in my life. A vicious cycle that leaves me more battered with every time I run through it. The thing that frustrates me most, is that I can never do anything to stop myself from running down this beaten path. Every time, I think "Maybe this time it will be different," or "Perhaps this time I have a chance." Every time, that spark of Hope catches on something in my desires, and I can't help but burst into a feverish flame. Except, when everything plays out to the end, I'm left with bitter nothingness.
Not even ashes.
When people run in circles it's a very, very mad world.

Laying the Groundwork

I've suspected this for quite some time now. Someone once told me that there is no happiness without suffering before it. If you are happy now, you probably had to suffer to get there, or more likely, someone else suffered before you. My current trials are part of a preparation that will allow me to fully apreciate what comes ahead. Or not. Who can say? However, this knowledge gives me no solace, as I don't know when this trial ends. C'est la vie. C'est la guerre. C'est la amor.